God is good. Always.

Most days, I don't even think about 2013.
My thoughts are filled with everyday things.

Getting up. Getting the big girls off to school.  Starting a load of dishes and laundry, have I eaten yet? let me just clean this floor for the 100 time this morning, etc. etc. etc.

You know, mom stuff.
It doesn't even register some days.  It seems like such a long time ago. Or even like it happened to someone else.

Then, there are times, like tonight, when it hits me like a freight train. When it seems like it all just happened yesterday.  And, the feelings are raw and fresh.

After church, I got the girls home and into pajamas, teeth brushed, cleaned Charlotte's newly pierced ears, and picked out clothes for school tomorrow.  As I stood over them and prayed out loud, I prayed for a specific person, {we will call her A} that HAD AML, like me. She had a transplant, like me.  But, is having a more difficult recovery than I. And, all those emotions from my diagnosis, thankfulness for my recovery and healing flowed out. Then, that led me to think of a dear, sweet lady, that I met only once, Miss Jessie.  But, we talked many times over the phone, right after my transplant and during my stay in Chapel Hill.  She had lymphoma and had a transplant.  But, sadly, she didn't survive.

All those emotions came rushing in. I choked back tears, unsuccessfully, and tried my best to make it through the rest of the prayer and get away from the girls, so I didn't freak them out.

I wasn't "lucky".  I wasn't more blessed than they.  Our recoveries were/are different.  There are different reasons for and different outcomes to every story.

GOD.  This is all His plan.  He knows the reasons behind my recovery.  He knows the reasons behind A's recovery, too. He knows, also, why my dear Miss Jessie didn't stay here on earth.  He knows everything.  He knows what my white blood cells are doing.  He knows what A's are doing.  He is in control of it all.  Although we may not understand WHY things happen the way they do,  I have faith in the One who does know. And, I have put my trust in His plan.

I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.
How pitiful would my recovery have been if I had listened to the doctor say he thought I had a 25% chance of living through treatment.

I didn't listen.

I didn't want to know.

God knew it all already.  He knew whether I was going to make it to 30 or not.  And, He knows how A's recovery is going to go.

When I think back to how God moved in my healing, it just stops me in my tracks.  I am paralyzed with the weight of it.  How AWESOME my God is.  Not just because He healed me.  Not because I "breezed" through that 1st year of recovery.  And, I don't say "breezed" lightly.  It wasn't a cake walk.  But, compared to other patients, not just A and Miss Jessie, I know I had it easier.
Not easy, just easier.  I can't say why that is.  I cannot comprehend it.  I don't think I am supposed to grasp it, fully, yet.

No, my God is not just AWESOME because I no longer have leukemia.  Frankly, if it all came back tomorrow, He would still be awesome. Marvelous. Counselor.  Healer.  Father.  The Prince of Peace.  Holy.
He is awesome because He created this universe.  He created the heavens, the planets, the stars, the galaxies beyond our view.  And, the same God that did that, that keeps the earth in perfect position, keeps the tides rolling and the planets orbiting,  reached down and took away my leukemia.  He used my doctors and my donor, placed everyone in the right place at the right time, and healed my leukemia,  PRAISE GOD.
I don't know why.
I just know I am thankful.  I am so very thankful.
I am still here to be a wife.  A mother.  A daughter.  I am still here.  And, I do not take that for granted. It could have been completely different.

During my many hospital stays, I found great comfort in scriptures.  Especially Psalms.
Before I was sick, I had read Psalms, and I didn't really get it.  I mean, I understood where David was coming from, I guess,in a shallow way.  A head knowledge.  But, once trial, tribulation, and sorrow were personally mine, I started to "get it."  I understand Psalms in a way that I wouldn't know, had I skipped over 2013.
Verses like :

Psalm116: 1-9

I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications.  Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow.  Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul.  Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.  The Lord preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and He helped me.  Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.  For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.  I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 9:10

And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Psalm 18:1-6 &17

I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.  The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.  In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.

Psalm 27:5

For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.


And, so many, many more verses.  I could list dozens more that have had an impact or I have personalized and prayed.

Life is different for every person.  Not one person has the same experience, the same way, the same emotion, the same response.  Every situation is uniquely yours or mine. God has given us this life to bring glory and honor to Him.  To praise His Holy name.  All of our trials and journeys through the valley or the moutaintop are meant to bring His children closer to Him and to make us more Christlike.  To be in perfect fellowship with Him.  The One who created it all. The maker of the universe, loves me.  He loves you.  That is an awesome God.
Every time I think of what I have been through, and I think, He never left my side. I am humbled by His love for me.  I know I am not worthy of such a love.  But, I am ever so thankful for it. I am thankful I serve, worship and walk daily with my God and Jesus Christ.
I pray I never get "used" to be a cancer survivor.  That it never becomes old to me. I pray having gone through all that I have, I walk closer and closer still, with Jesus.  The One who died for me, so that I didn't have to fear.

Being Real about Leukemia

I have been pretty upbeat during this whole thing.  Really, I have.
God, my Savior, Jesus Christ are looking out for me.  Either way this goes.  I know that.  So, I have joy in knowing my eternal soul is secure in Heaven.
I have been oblivious, also, to most of what is going on.  I know, I know..ignorance is NOT bliss.  But, there are SOME things I just choose NOT to know.  Dr. #2 gave us papers on AML.  I didn't read it. At all. I don't want to know.  I can't handle all the information.  It would depress me.  It would confuse me.  I'd rather be just joyful.
Some of y'all probably think that's dumb.  And, that's okay.  We all handle the same situations differently.  That's what makes being human, being human.  We are all different.
I don't block out the things the doctors tell me.  I do hear them, I do process what they tell me.  And, I pray about it.

I don't want y'all to get the wrong idea about me, though.  It isn't all sunshine and roses in my head.
I panic.  I cry.  I beg God to heal me here on earth.  I cry some more.  I hate that I am losing my hair.
I freak out every now and then that this could kill me.  I cry again.
I cried many times over this leukemia.  I cried many times over the possibility of not making it through this.  I cried for my children.  I cried for my husband.  I cried for my family.  I cried over losing my hair.  I begged God to let me keep my hair. 

I begged God to let my husband keep his wife.
 

To let my girls keep their mommy. 

To continue to be a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend.

 

 

I told myself it wasn't fair. Then I got mad at myself. Of course it isn't fair.  Life isn't always fair.  It isn't about what is fair and what isn't.  Who WOULD it be fair, for!?  Would it be more fair for an older man? For a older woman? For someone without a wife?  For someone without kids? Someone with older kids? For a person in prison? For a person who has committed horrible sins? No.  It wouldn't be fair for anyone. Cancer doesn't care who you are, what you do, who you know, who depends on you, if you have lost someone to cancer already.  Cancer is just that.  Cancer.  And, it's dumb. 

God is in control.  He wants me to trust Him.  He wants me to give my fears to Him.  Of course, being human, that is easier said than done.  But, it is what is asked of me.  If I don't trust Him, I WOULD fall apart, all the time.  I would be in that despair mode everyday.

Psalms is a wonderful place to find the promises of God. Of God hearing the prayers of His children.  Of God's mercy and grace.  I hope you will really read the following verses and not skim them.  Let them sink in.  HE cares for you.  HE loves you.  HE died for us all.  HE wants you to be His child.  Won't you let Him be your Savior?

Psalm 46 1:3,5
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;  Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with swelling thereof, Selah  {think on this}

Psalm 22:19-22

But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my stregnth, haste thee to help me.  Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.  Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.  I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.

Psalm 55:16 & 17

As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.  Evening and morning and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and He shall hear my voice.


Psalm 55:22

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee:the shall never the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 56:1-4

Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High.  What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.  In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust;  I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

And, the verse that I am almost positive I have shared on my blog, lately. But it is the one that I connected with so well in this trial of leukemia and being in the hospital.  So, Imma share it again!  :

Psalm 34:1-6

I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall be continually be in my mouth.  My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.  O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.  I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.  They looked unto Him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.