God is good. Always.

Most days, I don't even think about 2013.
My thoughts are filled with everyday things.

Getting up. Getting the big girls off to school.  Starting a load of dishes and laundry, have I eaten yet? let me just clean this floor for the 100 time this morning, etc. etc. etc.

You know, mom stuff.
It doesn't even register some days.  It seems like such a long time ago. Or even like it happened to someone else.

Then, there are times, like tonight, when it hits me like a freight train. When it seems like it all just happened yesterday.  And, the feelings are raw and fresh.

After church, I got the girls home and into pajamas, teeth brushed, cleaned Charlotte's newly pierced ears, and picked out clothes for school tomorrow.  As I stood over them and prayed out loud, I prayed for a specific person, {we will call her A} that HAD AML, like me. She had a transplant, like me.  But, is having a more difficult recovery than I. And, all those emotions from my diagnosis, thankfulness for my recovery and healing flowed out. Then, that led me to think of a dear, sweet lady, that I met only once, Miss Jessie.  But, we talked many times over the phone, right after my transplant and during my stay in Chapel Hill.  She had lymphoma and had a transplant.  But, sadly, she didn't survive.

All those emotions came rushing in. I choked back tears, unsuccessfully, and tried my best to make it through the rest of the prayer and get away from the girls, so I didn't freak them out.

I wasn't "lucky".  I wasn't more blessed than they.  Our recoveries were/are different.  There are different reasons for and different outcomes to every story.

GOD.  This is all His plan.  He knows the reasons behind my recovery.  He knows the reasons behind A's recovery, too. He knows, also, why my dear Miss Jessie didn't stay here on earth.  He knows everything.  He knows what my white blood cells are doing.  He knows what A's are doing.  He is in control of it all.  Although we may not understand WHY things happen the way they do,  I have faith in the One who does know. And, I have put my trust in His plan.

I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.
How pitiful would my recovery have been if I had listened to the doctor say he thought I had a 25% chance of living through treatment.

I didn't listen.

I didn't want to know.

God knew it all already.  He knew whether I was going to make it to 30 or not.  And, He knows how A's recovery is going to go.

When I think back to how God moved in my healing, it just stops me in my tracks.  I am paralyzed with the weight of it.  How AWESOME my God is.  Not just because He healed me.  Not because I "breezed" through that 1st year of recovery.  And, I don't say "breezed" lightly.  It wasn't a cake walk.  But, compared to other patients, not just A and Miss Jessie, I know I had it easier.
Not easy, just easier.  I can't say why that is.  I cannot comprehend it.  I don't think I am supposed to grasp it, fully, yet.

No, my God is not just AWESOME because I no longer have leukemia.  Frankly, if it all came back tomorrow, He would still be awesome. Marvelous. Counselor.  Healer.  Father.  The Prince of Peace.  Holy.
He is awesome because He created this universe.  He created the heavens, the planets, the stars, the galaxies beyond our view.  And, the same God that did that, that keeps the earth in perfect position, keeps the tides rolling and the planets orbiting,  reached down and took away my leukemia.  He used my doctors and my donor, placed everyone in the right place at the right time, and healed my leukemia,  PRAISE GOD.
I don't know why.
I just know I am thankful.  I am so very thankful.
I am still here to be a wife.  A mother.  A daughter.  I am still here.  And, I do not take that for granted. It could have been completely different.

During my many hospital stays, I found great comfort in scriptures.  Especially Psalms.
Before I was sick, I had read Psalms, and I didn't really get it.  I mean, I understood where David was coming from, I guess,in a shallow way.  A head knowledge.  But, once trial, tribulation, and sorrow were personally mine, I started to "get it."  I understand Psalms in a way that I wouldn't know, had I skipped over 2013.
Verses like :

Psalm116: 1-9

I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications.  Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow.  Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul.  Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.  The Lord preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and He helped me.  Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.  For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.  I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 9:10

And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Psalm 18:1-6 &17

I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.  The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.  In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.

Psalm 27:5

For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.


And, so many, many more verses.  I could list dozens more that have had an impact or I have personalized and prayed.

Life is different for every person.  Not one person has the same experience, the same way, the same emotion, the same response.  Every situation is uniquely yours or mine. God has given us this life to bring glory and honor to Him.  To praise His Holy name.  All of our trials and journeys through the valley or the moutaintop are meant to bring His children closer to Him and to make us more Christlike.  To be in perfect fellowship with Him.  The One who created it all. The maker of the universe, loves me.  He loves you.  That is an awesome God.
Every time I think of what I have been through, and I think, He never left my side. I am humbled by His love for me.  I know I am not worthy of such a love.  But, I am ever so thankful for it. I am thankful I serve, worship and walk daily with my God and Jesus Christ.
I pray I never get "used" to be a cancer survivor.  That it never becomes old to me. I pray having gone through all that I have, I walk closer and closer still, with Jesus.  The One who died for me, so that I didn't have to fear.

I hate waiting...

Sitting here at the hospital, waiting on my counts to go up is torture!

I pray.  a lot.
I eat.  a lot.
I watch TV a lot.
I read a lot.
I walk around the "unit" a lot.
I sleep, not a lot.
That's my day.

Everyday.

These walls are closing in on me! 

But, my numbers are on the way up.  If the Lord keeps this up, I will be home by next week sometime!  PRAISE THE LORD!!!!  I am so ready to be home. 
I will be doing a lot of what I posted above:  praying, eating, watching TV..etc. still, but I'd be home!

After I am released, I can go home for a week, then I have to come back for another biopsy.
Go home, and then come back once a month for chemo treatments until I can get a bone marrow transplant.


So, things are not over.  I will be home soon, though!

Psalm 34:1-6

I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
They looked unto Him and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.