Being Real about Leukemia

I have been pretty upbeat during this whole thing.  Really, I have.
God, my Savior, Jesus Christ are looking out for me.  Either way this goes.  I know that.  So, I have joy in knowing my eternal soul is secure in Heaven.
I have been oblivious, also, to most of what is going on.  I know, I know..ignorance is NOT bliss.  But, there are SOME things I just choose NOT to know.  Dr. #2 gave us papers on AML.  I didn't read it. At all. I don't want to know.  I can't handle all the information.  It would depress me.  It would confuse me.  I'd rather be just joyful.
Some of y'all probably think that's dumb.  And, that's okay.  We all handle the same situations differently.  That's what makes being human, being human.  We are all different.
I don't block out the things the doctors tell me.  I do hear them, I do process what they tell me.  And, I pray about it.

I don't want y'all to get the wrong idea about me, though.  It isn't all sunshine and roses in my head.
I panic.  I cry.  I beg God to heal me here on earth.  I cry some more.  I hate that I am losing my hair.
I freak out every now and then that this could kill me.  I cry again.
I cried many times over this leukemia.  I cried many times over the possibility of not making it through this.  I cried for my children.  I cried for my husband.  I cried for my family.  I cried over losing my hair.  I begged God to let me keep my hair. 

I begged God to let my husband keep his wife.
 

To let my girls keep their mommy. 

To continue to be a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend.

 

 

I told myself it wasn't fair. Then I got mad at myself. Of course it isn't fair.  Life isn't always fair.  It isn't about what is fair and what isn't.  Who WOULD it be fair, for!?  Would it be more fair for an older man? For a older woman? For someone without a wife?  For someone without kids? Someone with older kids? For a person in prison? For a person who has committed horrible sins? No.  It wouldn't be fair for anyone. Cancer doesn't care who you are, what you do, who you know, who depends on you, if you have lost someone to cancer already.  Cancer is just that.  Cancer.  And, it's dumb. 

God is in control.  He wants me to trust Him.  He wants me to give my fears to Him.  Of course, being human, that is easier said than done.  But, it is what is asked of me.  If I don't trust Him, I WOULD fall apart, all the time.  I would be in that despair mode everyday.

Psalms is a wonderful place to find the promises of God. Of God hearing the prayers of His children.  Of God's mercy and grace.  I hope you will really read the following verses and not skim them.  Let them sink in.  HE cares for you.  HE loves you.  HE died for us all.  HE wants you to be His child.  Won't you let Him be your Savior?

Psalm 46 1:3,5
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;  Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with swelling thereof, Selah  {think on this}

Psalm 22:19-22

But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my stregnth, haste thee to help me.  Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.  Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.  I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.

Psalm 55:16 & 17

As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.  Evening and morning and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and He shall hear my voice.


Psalm 55:22

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee:the shall never the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 56:1-4

Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High.  What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.  In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust;  I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

And, the verse that I am almost positive I have shared on my blog, lately. But it is the one that I connected with so well in this trial of leukemia and being in the hospital.  So, Imma share it again!  :

Psalm 34:1-6

I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall be continually be in my mouth.  My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.  O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.  I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.  They looked unto Him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.