God is good. Always.

Most days, I don't even think about 2013.
My thoughts are filled with everyday things.

Getting up. Getting the big girls off to school.  Starting a load of dishes and laundry, have I eaten yet? let me just clean this floor for the 100 time this morning, etc. etc. etc.

You know, mom stuff.
It doesn't even register some days.  It seems like such a long time ago. Or even like it happened to someone else.

Then, there are times, like tonight, when it hits me like a freight train. When it seems like it all just happened yesterday.  And, the feelings are raw and fresh.

After church, I got the girls home and into pajamas, teeth brushed, cleaned Charlotte's newly pierced ears, and picked out clothes for school tomorrow.  As I stood over them and prayed out loud, I prayed for a specific person, {we will call her A} that HAD AML, like me. She had a transplant, like me.  But, is having a more difficult recovery than I. And, all those emotions from my diagnosis, thankfulness for my recovery and healing flowed out. Then, that led me to think of a dear, sweet lady, that I met only once, Miss Jessie.  But, we talked many times over the phone, right after my transplant and during my stay in Chapel Hill.  She had lymphoma and had a transplant.  But, sadly, she didn't survive.

All those emotions came rushing in. I choked back tears, unsuccessfully, and tried my best to make it through the rest of the prayer and get away from the girls, so I didn't freak them out.

I wasn't "lucky".  I wasn't more blessed than they.  Our recoveries were/are different.  There are different reasons for and different outcomes to every story.

GOD.  This is all His plan.  He knows the reasons behind my recovery.  He knows the reasons behind A's recovery, too. He knows, also, why my dear Miss Jessie didn't stay here on earth.  He knows everything.  He knows what my white blood cells are doing.  He knows what A's are doing.  He is in control of it all.  Although we may not understand WHY things happen the way they do,  I have faith in the One who does know. And, I have put my trust in His plan.

I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.
How pitiful would my recovery have been if I had listened to the doctor say he thought I had a 25% chance of living through treatment.

I didn't listen.

I didn't want to know.

God knew it all already.  He knew whether I was going to make it to 30 or not.  And, He knows how A's recovery is going to go.

When I think back to how God moved in my healing, it just stops me in my tracks.  I am paralyzed with the weight of it.  How AWESOME my God is.  Not just because He healed me.  Not because I "breezed" through that 1st year of recovery.  And, I don't say "breezed" lightly.  It wasn't a cake walk.  But, compared to other patients, not just A and Miss Jessie, I know I had it easier.
Not easy, just easier.  I can't say why that is.  I cannot comprehend it.  I don't think I am supposed to grasp it, fully, yet.

No, my God is not just AWESOME because I no longer have leukemia.  Frankly, if it all came back tomorrow, He would still be awesome. Marvelous. Counselor.  Healer.  Father.  The Prince of Peace.  Holy.
He is awesome because He created this universe.  He created the heavens, the planets, the stars, the galaxies beyond our view.  And, the same God that did that, that keeps the earth in perfect position, keeps the tides rolling and the planets orbiting,  reached down and took away my leukemia.  He used my doctors and my donor, placed everyone in the right place at the right time, and healed my leukemia,  PRAISE GOD.
I don't know why.
I just know I am thankful.  I am so very thankful.
I am still here to be a wife.  A mother.  A daughter.  I am still here.  And, I do not take that for granted. It could have been completely different.

During my many hospital stays, I found great comfort in scriptures.  Especially Psalms.
Before I was sick, I had read Psalms, and I didn't really get it.  I mean, I understood where David was coming from, I guess,in a shallow way.  A head knowledge.  But, once trial, tribulation, and sorrow were personally mine, I started to "get it."  I understand Psalms in a way that I wouldn't know, had I skipped over 2013.
Verses like :

Psalm116: 1-9

I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications.  Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow.  Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul.  Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.  The Lord preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and He helped me.  Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.  For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.  I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 9:10

And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Psalm 18:1-6 &17

I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.  The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.  The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.  In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.

Psalm 27:5

For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.


And, so many, many more verses.  I could list dozens more that have had an impact or I have personalized and prayed.

Life is different for every person.  Not one person has the same experience, the same way, the same emotion, the same response.  Every situation is uniquely yours or mine. God has given us this life to bring glory and honor to Him.  To praise His Holy name.  All of our trials and journeys through the valley or the moutaintop are meant to bring His children closer to Him and to make us more Christlike.  To be in perfect fellowship with Him.  The One who created it all. The maker of the universe, loves me.  He loves you.  That is an awesome God.
Every time I think of what I have been through, and I think, He never left my side. I am humbled by His love for me.  I know I am not worthy of such a love.  But, I am ever so thankful for it. I am thankful I serve, worship and walk daily with my God and Jesus Christ.
I pray I never get "used" to be a cancer survivor.  That it never becomes old to me. I pray having gone through all that I have, I walk closer and closer still, with Jesus.  The One who died for me, so that I didn't have to fear.

As Reba says:

I'm a Survivor!

I am CANCER FREE!!!!!
Praise the Lord! HE has been so awesome to me through all this.  It really is a lot to take in sometimes! I know HE is awesome and good all the time, but when you are going through something like this, you can really see Him working! Or maybe, it's times like these that you are really LOOKING for HIS hand, so you see it more?  Either way, I couldn't have made it this far without Him, that's for sure.

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.  For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour:"   -Isaiah 43:2-3a

My transplant and time in the hospital went very well.  I had my transplant on AUGUST 28th!  My new birthday.  My sister-in-law came in 3 days later to keep the girls at our house.  Jackie was by my side the every step of the way.
I was discharged from the hospital, 4 weeks after being admitted (which was actually about a week before I was planning on!  Thankfully!)  The doctors have you come into the hospital for clinic visits every other day (MWF) for a few weeks and then they taper them down until they release you to go back home.  Blessedly, for me, my doctor had me come in 3 times for only 2 weeks! She said I was doing so well that she didn't need to see me but for 2x a week!!  Seriously, how AWESOME is God!??
30 days after the transplant, I had yet another bone marrow biopsy.  And, guess what!? It was completely pain free!  I kept waiting for the pain to come.  It always does.  I felt pressure, sure.  But I didn't shed one single tear!
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."   -Isaiah 41:10

Last week, I got the results from the biopsy and they didn't find cancer! And, they saw ALL donor cells!  Which was EXACTLY what they wanted to see! Glory to GOD!!!  My doctor said it looked PERFECT.

My blood counts have been great since being released from the hospital, my only real issue is the rashes associated with Graft vs. Host.  It doesn't concern the docs to see a little bit of skin rash, but when new ones pop up, it can be serious.  Thankfully, even my 'new rashes' that have popped up since discharge have been mild.  I am taking plenty of meds, and wearing a couple of different creams, so I should be covered from the inside out!
We have been renting an apartment here in Chapel Hill.  It is a really nice complex.  BIG complex.  And, we are about 10 minutes away from the hospital.  Which is really nice to not have to leave the house extra early for an appointment.  Especially when you are going a couple times a week. I stay in pj's everyday, until I go to the doctor, then that's when I do the full work up: a real shirt, pants/maxi skirt, cute shoes, a little mascara and a wig.  I have even gained ALL of my weight back and THEN some.  Other than the whole wig thing and skin rashes, I don't look too obvious about the cancer thing. HA! Which, for me, is what I like.  I don't like to look like I am sick out in public.  Like I posted on Facebook the other day, I don't want to stand out because of cancer, I want to stand out because of other things!  Hence, the cute shoes and crazy wigs!

This is me in my first wig, the one from the hospital. It looks a lot different now, I've tried to get it back to this and I can't :-(  I couldn't restyle it to this when I washed it, so the bangs looked horrible, so I cut them into actual fringe bangs.  I loved it at first and now I just don't like it.  Dumb, I know.

My 2nd wig.  Platinum is such a FUN color! ha!  It really has that bombshell kinda feel to the curls and such.  I love it, but don't wear it every time I go out.  My 3rd wig is my FAVORITE! :-)

This was taken at my last service at Church before I was admitted for the transplant.  Bless Sadie's heart, she did NOT want to stop playing to take a picture.  I was thinking, Mommy has cancer, I'm going to be gone for at least 5 weeks, just smile for the dag on camera!!!! HA! 

But, I wear this wig out of the house more than the other's.  Although, it is a TAD too long, and that aggravates me on occasion.  It is still my favorite out of my three and I just LOOOVE it!

And, here I am on Tuesday, about to head out to the hospital....

You can even see a little of the weight gain in my face.  I'm not complaining though, and I am sure there are a few women out there that have told me I was too skinny that aren't complaining, either! ;-P

The girls and Jackie are here most of the time during the week, but, Jackie has to be back at church on Sundays, so he takes the girls back with him on Friday or Saturday nights and comes back on Mondays.  If we have a Kari-sitter, he will go back on Wednesdays.  If not, then he will have to stay with me.  I am not allowed to drive, nor am I allowed to be alone, so someone has to be here with me at all times. Sher was here for the first week after I was discharged, so she stayed with me so Jackie and the girls could come and go.  Then, my sister came for the past 2 weekends and my 2nd cousin has come to stay with me 2x already!  Blessed or what!? 

This week at our church is our Fall Revival, and, Jackie and the girls have been there since Saturday!  I have missed them so much! Right now, my cousin is here, and she leaves tomorrow.  Tomorrow, my wonderful Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law fly in from Michigan and are staying through Tuesday!  I am so thankful for everyone's help! Also, worth mentioning is my other Bro & Sis -in-laws and 3 of their teens are coming at the end of the month and staying for 2 weeks to help!  Ever so thankful we are not doing this alone!! I can't thank everyone enough.

So, there it all is.  I am now, currently, 42 days post transplant and so happy.  Thank you all for praying with me and for me! Please continue.  My recovery is not yet done.  Although, it is off to a fantastic start!

I hate waiting...

Sitting here at the hospital, waiting on my counts to go up is torture!

I pray.  a lot.
I eat.  a lot.
I watch TV a lot.
I read a lot.
I walk around the "unit" a lot.
I sleep, not a lot.
That's my day.

Everyday.

These walls are closing in on me! 

But, my numbers are on the way up.  If the Lord keeps this up, I will be home by next week sometime!  PRAISE THE LORD!!!!  I am so ready to be home. 
I will be doing a lot of what I posted above:  praying, eating, watching TV..etc. still, but I'd be home!

After I am released, I can go home for a week, then I have to come back for another biopsy.
Go home, and then come back once a month for chemo treatments until I can get a bone marrow transplant.


So, things are not over.  I will be home soon, though!

Psalm 34:1-6

I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
They looked unto Him and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Word FULL Wednesday

Perspective.

It is amazing. Astonishing, actually; how ONE situation can have many {TOO many, in my opinion} perspectives.  Points of view. Outlooks.
How can one situation, one single situation turn out to be completely different interactions in the minds of people!?

It's all pride, really.
Who wants to admit they did something wrong!? 
"It's not MY fault.  Look what they did to ME."
Not many people like to admit they did something hurtful.....

But, when that time comes, it's because you are tired.
Tired of the drama, tired of the bitterness, tired of the pride.
Because life is way to short to have ANY of the above.
But what if that time never comes!?
           
The bitterness and pride take root and grow like oak trees in the soul.
Do you think anything else has any room to grow with an oak tree waving it's leafy branches in its face?
Nope.  No hope, no love, no kindness, no understanding.

^"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;"  - Hebrews 12:15

What you have to remember about EVERY situation that comes up in your life {I'm speaking of the bad ones} is that the other person or persons involved may just have a different perspective.  You have to keep that in mind when trying to resolve the conflict.

Noone is immune to bad situations.  Noone is immune to pride. But, what we must admit is when we have done something wrong.  Something to hurt another human being. 
And, if you have ever hurt someone's feelings, regardless of whether or not YOU started it, you must make that right.  Get over pride, get over being bitter.  Get over yourself.  It's not an easy thing to do.

Just saying you're sorry and asking for forgiveness can mean the world to that person.
That's all it takes.  Well, that and being sincere about it.  If you aren't sincerely sorry, then forgiveness is a mute point, isn't it?!

"...Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.
So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."  - Matthew 18:33-35


Jesus did NOT come to Earth to die on a cross for our sins just for us to get saved and be bitter and angry with people we have a conflict with.  We are to resolve those conflicts and continue on serving the Lord.  If we expect our relationships to be right with man, we have to get right with God.

Getting things right can be a daunting task.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.
 But, you have to try.