The Whole Story.

My whole walk with leukemia has not been perfect. I have run the whole gamut of  emotions.

Two weeks ago, though.  I hit a wall.  Not literally.  But emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I decided then would be a good time to think of all the things I missed or was tired of not being able to do.  GREAT timing.  Seriously, already down, why don't I just kick myself while I am at it!?

The only reason I am posting this, is because I don't want to forget.  I don't want to forget to not take those things for granted after things are back to normal.  I want to help anyone that reads this to not take those things for granted NOW.
I spoke with a friend of mine, that lives in California, while I was in the hospital recently.  I told her a couple of things off my list and she said to me :" You know what!? I am glad you told me that, because I never would have thought that would be something you would have to stop doing.  I don't want to take that for granted.  Thank you for telling me all this."
She actually thanked me for complaining to her!  Now, THAT is a great friend! ha!
I, also, told my sister in law a couple of the same things and she said almost the same thing!

It was an eye opening experience for us all.  It never occurred to me that not everyone knows about what a cancer patient has to go through or the things they have to give up.  No matter how small.  A lot of things that are on my list ARE small.  But, I do miss them.  Now, here is the list....so I can stop thinking about it:

I am tired of:

-Not brushing my teeth with a toothbrush.
-Not being able to floss
{those sound trivial and kind of gross...I do clean my teeth, but it's with disposable sponge brushes called toothlettes.}
-Not being able to sleep in my bed {now, I know this is MY choice, but it is a logical one, I have a catheter, I have small children.  Small children that like to climb into our bed in the middle of the night.  I am sorry, but I do not want to wake up to severe shooting pain because a kid karate chopped me in the neck. Yes, I have learned that the hard way... }
-Not being able to kiss my kids on the lips {germs...I can't have 'em}
-Not being able to kiss my husband {germs....I don't need 'em}
-Not being able to sleep next to my husband {this also coincides with #3}
-Not being able to hold my children in my arms. {gosh, I miss holding my babies!!}
-Not having the strength the hold them for very long.
-Not being able to clean my house like I like.
-Not being able to shower like a normal person.
{because of the placement of my catheter, a shower guard over it is not helpful at all.   I have to wash the top half in my sink and the bottom half in the tub.  I get clean, but just not under a steaming hot stream of water!!! Ahh! I miss showers!!}
-Not being able to sleep on my stomach!! {again, catheter}
-not being able to hug everyone.  {Hello, My name is Kari and I am a hugger.  So, this is so hard for me!}
-Being tired ALL.THE.TIME.  {Even when I feel "almost normal", I still have that underlying exhaustion}
-Not having hair. {seriously. I love the wig, but I hate it all at the same time.  I miss having my own hair.  I miss doing my own hair.  I miss pulling it up into a ponytail or that nifty sock bun I tried for the FIRST time 2 weeks before I was diagnosed }

I am sure I could think of more if I sat here and racked my brain.  But, it hurts now..HA! Too much thinking, I suppose.

So, that's my full on complaining post. Hopefully to be the last!  I am over that wall, now.  I suppose it was due.  But, I am glad that it is over.  I still miss all those things, but I can think of 1 million things I am looking forward to in the future as opposed to what I miss doing now!

II Corinthians 4:15-18

"For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things that are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."