How to FLUNK your OB appointment 101

Yes, you read that correctly.
If you ever needed to know how to flunk an obgyn appointment, then BUCKLE UP baby. 
You're in the right place.

*WARNING..some is of graphic nature...{you know, pee talk and such...}

Let me start out by saying that I am ABOUT 16-17 weeks.
I don't know for sure.  It's just a guessimation.
{little background...you are supposed to know the last date of your cycle, so they {the pro's} can calculate your due date. WEEEELLLLLLLL I dunno my last cycle, exactly. Sometime in February is as close as it gets} This will also count as Fail 3 because, well. It just does. You'll see.
Okay with that said....

That was FAIL 1.

FAIL 2:

The nurse called me back. {that was probably HER fail...HA!}
She handed me a cup, and said she needed a specimen.
I got-all-cocky. I said: " I have peed in many o' cups. So, this will be no problem.
Besides, I have been holding it in for about 2 hours."
I went into the bathroom, I sat the cup on the cart in the bathroom and got all set up.
You know, the toilet paper on the seat deal.
Then began to empty my bladder.
About the time I finished, I looked up and saw it.
THE CUP. Still sitting on the cart. With the top on.
NOWHERE near where it was supposed to be.
I think I sat there for about 2 minutes in disbelief.
What in the world was I going to do?
It was all gone.
I prayed. I begged.
I heard the nurse open the little door looking for my cup about twice.
I managed to get a WEE little bit. {pun intended.}
I put the cup in the door and booked it out to try and explain myself.
I didn't get there first. She just looked at me like I was crazy.
Little did she know that wouldn't be the last time she gave me that look.
I told her what happened, and she kind of chuckled. Kind of.
She put 1 drop in the pregnancy test and then took the litmus paper and literally scraped it on the sides of the cup trying to get it wet enough to do whatever it was supposed to do.
She said "hopefully that will be enough". And PRAISE God, it was!!

FAIL 3:
We got in the interrogation exam room and she asked me when my due date was.
I gave her the same old story that I gave everyone else:
February was a CRAZY, busy month for us and I could in NO way nail down a date. BLAH BLAH BLAH
I said, "as far as I can recall it was around 1 of the girls' birthdays." But they are at opposite ends of the month so that didn't help any. Bummer. But I knew that was coming.
This LACK of information messed up a lot of her questioning and such, because apparently some is based upon where you are in your pregnancy. It was a hurdle we are still to this day dealing with.

Fail 4:

We were talking about previous births.
I told her I delivered Charlotte at 38 weeks and Audrey at 34 weeks.
Because of the 34 weeks information, that put me in a high risk group for preterm labor.
Umm...wait. Hold up.  About 15 minutes later after we had moved on to other questions, I asked her "Did I say I delivered Audrey at 34 weeks or 36 weeks!?" 34 weeks, she replied. "Whoops. I meant 36 weeks. Sorry, does that mess you up again?" Yea. Well, yea a lot. She said.
I told her that she would be soo glad when I walked out that door.
She said she would definitely remember this appointment. FOR SURE.

Fail 5:

I couldn't remember how much either of the girls weighed when they were born. UGH. That's horrible, isn't it? I remember it NOW. I remembered BEFORE. But not THEN. I got the pounds right.  But, not the ounces.
I then told her that she was going to have fun talking about me after I left. She laughed. A knowing laugh.
She said I have excuse though. I was pregnant. I said, little do you know I am like this ALL the time.

Fail 6:

Well, this really isn't a FULL fail because I did it without actually failing. But the setup for it was hilarious.
Maybe just to me and the nurse...but anyway. I digress.
After all the questions were answered and then corrected, she told me I needed to go across the building to the lab. Then she laughed. She LAUGHED at me.
That wasn't it though, she told me that I needed to come BACK to that office to schedule my next appointment.
And, at that, we BOTH laughed.  I may have shed a tear. Or two. We just knew I would find a way to get lost or forget to do one or the other. Or BOTH.

But I did manage to make it to the lab with no problems and BACK to the office!!!!

So there. You thought it was impossible to fail an OB appointment.

I'm studying for the next one.